The Yaoi
by Nova-chan
Summary: You asked for it, and here it is.
1. Default Chapter

The Yaoi!  
  
By NoV!  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Yaoi!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Nova-chan: Oh-kay, this is a yaoi.  
  
Zelgadis: NO!! I don't wanna do a yaoi!  
  
Xelloss: Zel-kun, we hafta give the people what they want! And what they want is a yaoi.  
  
Nova-chan: Yes. But not only a yaoi. They want a yaoi involving Xelloss, Zelgadis and Val-Val in which Xel and Zel fight over Val and Zel gets hurt really bad.  
  
Zelgadis: Hmm..I wonder why I'm not gonna like this. Gee. I can't think of a single reason! How weird.  
  
Val: You can't make me do this! I don't want to be the object of those lovebirds' affection!  
  
Nova-chan: You know, my cousin had lesbian lovebirds.  
  
Xelloss: That's..cool!  
  
Nova-chan: They had an egg.  
  
Xelloss: That's scary.  
  
Zelgadis: I don't want to know how that's possible.  
  
Val: At any rate, I'm not being in this fic, you &#@$ Ta-jin!  
  
Zelgadis: Why do I have to be the one who gets hurt? Why can't you just KILL him? (points at Xelloss)  
  
Xelloss: Me?  
  
Nova-chan: I might do that.  
  
Xelloss: No! I don't want to die. I have too much to live for!!  
  
Val: Like what, you stupid mazoku?  
  
Xelloss: Like chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream!  
  
Minna: -.-0  
  
Zelgadis: Why did everyone ask for a yaoi?  
  
Nova-chan: Everyone didn't. One person wanted random insanity.  
  
Zelgadis: ..oh-kay, why did everyone else want yaoi?  
  
Val: Because, you stupid chimera, it's a sick, sick world.  
  
Nova-chan: Why do you think everybody's stupid?  
  
Val: Because everyone IS stupid, you stupid girl!  
  
Xelloss: So, logically, you're stupid too, Valgaav!  
  
Val: No I'm not!!  
  
Zelgadis: You said 'everyone is stupid.' You're part of everyone too.  
  
Val: Argh! I can't win!!  
  
Nova-chan: Let's just start the ficcie.  
  
Zelgadis: No! Let's never start the fic!  
  
Nova-chan: Say ficcie and we won't!  
  
Zelgadis: Ficcie.  
  
Nova-chan: Say it again!  
  
Zelgadis: (sigh) Ficcie.  
  
Xelloss: Do it again do it again!!  
  
Zelgadis: FICCIE! FICCIE! FICCIE! Satisfied??  
  
Nova-chan: (dries her eyes) Phew. Yes. Let's start the ficcie.  
  
Zelgadis: But, you said-  
  
Nova-chan: LET'S start the ficcie!  
  
  
  
**  
  
There once was an ancient dragon named Valgaav. We'll call him Val to keep our sanity. Val had green hair and..one might call him horny.  
  
Unbeknownst to him, there were two people ho were secretly in love with him. One of them was Xelloss, and the other, Zelgadis.  
  
This is the yaoi.  
  
  
  
"Why is it that creepy psycho people always have such calm, normal names?" Xelloss wondered out loud. "Like that boy, Timmy, that I had to babysit. Remember? He was anything but sane."  
  
"But, Xelloss," Gourry argued, "you said Timmy wasn't crazy. Just creative!"  
  
Xelloss sweatdropped. "I say a lot of things, Gourry. That doesn't always mean they're true."  
  
"A picnic on the beach was a perfect idea, Amelia!" Lina exclaimed, feeling the cool, salty air whip through her hair. "I mean, we've got pie, sandwiches and sand! What's not to like?"  
  
"I agree, Miss Lina!" Amelia shouted, posing. "But, I, Amelia Wil Tesla de Seillune, cannot take credit! For, it was the almighty powers of Justice that gave me the idea!"  
  
"I think I lost my appetite," Xelloss muttered, queasily.  
  
"All right!" Gourry cried. "More for me!"  
  
"Oh, by the way," Lina mentioned, off-handedly, "I invited Filia."  
  
"Her?? Filia? Why her? I hate Filia!!" the mazoku spat. "You could have invited anyone in the universe and you invited HER??"  
  
"She's bringing baby Mr. Valgaav too!" Amelia chirped, happily.  
  
"Valgaav??" Xelloss and Zelgadis shrieked at the same time.  
  
"Amelia, how many times do I have to tell you?" Lina demanded. "Valgaav is not a baby!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"I'm gonna go change clothes!" Zelgadis squeaked suddenly, zipping off toward the inn.  
  
"And I've gotta go wash my hair!" Xelloss exclaimed, materializing into the astral plane.  
  
"What was THAT all about?" the flame-haired sorceress asked, staring at the spot Zelgadis had been.  
  
"I have no idea," Amelia admitted. "But I miss Mr. Zelgadis already."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Ah," Zelgadis sighed, admiring his reflection. He was now wearing a slim- fitting blue suit. "Now I'm ready!" he exclaimed, after a splash of cologne.  
  
Heading out of the room, he turned and winked at his reflection in the mirror, then left.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Xelloss was showering himself and viciously scrubbing his hair.  
  
He stared at the two shampoo bottles in his hands.  
  
"I wonder if Val-chan would prefer succulent strawberry or lovely lavender," he said to himself. He sniffed both of the scents before tossing both over his shoulder. "Banana bonanza it is!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"That's it!" Lina grumbled, standing up abruptly. "I'm not waiting around anymore! It's time to dig in!"  
  
She turned around to the picnic basket to see a pudgier than normal Gourry instead.  
  
"Wow!" he cried, patting his bulging belly. "That was great!'  
  
Astonishingly, Lina wasn't upset with him for once. "Did you eat the picnic basket too?" she asked.  
  
The blond looked at her strangely. "What picnic basket?"  
  
"Oh, Mr. Gourry!" Amelia tried not to laugh. "You were so absorbed in eating all of our picnic lunch that you ate the basket in your haste! But, not to worry, Justice has again prevailed! I anticipated this event because Justice informed me of it, so I brought a replacement picnic basket filled with goodies!" Once she had finished her speech, the oujo produced the said basket.  
  
"Amelia, did I ever tell you that I love you?" Lina wondered, drooling at the overflowing food in the tan basket.  
  
"Yes, Miss Lina, you did." Amelia reminisced. "It was right before you told me you hated me."  
  
"Never mind that," Lina snapped. "Let's just find a nice, quiet spot on the beach where we can eat!"  
  
"I want that spot!" Gourry exclaimed, pointing to a portion of the beach covered by a raincloud and crawling with crabs.  
  
"Mr. Gourry," Amelia whined, "I don't want to get pinched!"  
  
"And I don't want my food to get wet and eaten by crabs!" Lina yelled. "Forget it! I'm picking the spot." She looked around and set her sights on a plot of white sand with shade from a big, leafy palm tree. "There!"  
  
"That looks great, Miss Lina!" the buxom princess announced, planting her blanket on the spot. She began to divide up the lunch into sections.  
  
"I like your bathing suit, Lina!" Gourry complimented.  
  
Lina blushed and looked at the front of her pink swimsuit which read "Chibi Onna-ko." Immediately afterward, she had Gourry in a tight headlock. "WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING??" she screamed. "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE? HUH? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY!"  
  
"I'm sorry," the swordsman choked out.  
  
"Hello Lina!" Filia called, walking over, holding hands with Valgaav who had placed a paper bag over his head in embarrassment.  
  
"Hello Miss Filia, baby Mr. Valgaav!" Amelia greeted. "Have you been serving Justice well lately?"  
  
"I guess so," Filia answered, making a face. She began to dig around in a brightly-colored bag. "Now, Valterria, come here and let Filia-momma put some sun block on you."  
  
Valgaav groaned. "Mom, I'm an adult. I don't need you to-"  
  
"Val, honey, I won't have you getting burned. What with your sensitive skin and all," the dragon went on, grabbing her SPF 500 sun block and pouring a blob of it into her hand. "Now, come here."  
  
Val sighed and inched toward Filia as she began to envelop him in the smelly substance.  
  
"Val?" Gourry wondered. "Why are you wearing no shoes or a shirt and dress pants? Shouldn't you be wearing a bathing suit?"  
  
"Of course he shouldn't," Filia said sharply, before Val could answer. "Do you think I want my precious, little baby catching cold?"  
  
"Filia. It's 103 degrees out here," Lina told her. "He's more likely to get heatstroke wearing those pants."  
  
"What if there was a sudden flash blizzard?" the priestess demanded. "Or if that monster, Xelloss, decided to teleport us to the Alps??"  
  
"Then, I'd find some coats in my bag of everything I got from our adventures!" Gourry answered.  
  
"But would you have some nice, toasty pants for me little Valterria?" Filia inquired. "I think not."  
  
There was a stirring of sand and a puff of swirly purple smoke that revealed Zelgadis and Xelloss.  
  
"Nyah! I beatcha!" Xelloss teased, sticking out his tongue.  
  
"Yeah. By two seconds," Zelgadis grumbled, bitterly.  
  
Val instantly frowned. "Why did you two have to come?" he asked, turning up his nose.  
  
Ignoring him, Xelloss hopped into his lap and ran a hand through his own hair. "Don't I smell just..banana-like?"  
  
"No," the ancient dragon replied, pushing him away. "You smell like a stupid mazoku."  
  
"Oh, you're so sweet, Val-Val!" the priest squeaked, giggling.  
  
"So, uh, Val-kun?" Zelgadis said, sitting beside him. "Like my outfit?"  
  
"No, you stupid chimera."  
  
"Now, listen here!" Filia seethed. "I don't know what has gotten into you, but leave my poor baby alone!!"  
  
"Want a sandwich?" Zel offered the aforementioned item.  
  
"No," Val replied, pushing it away.  
  
"How about a talking frog?" Xelloss asked.  
  
"Seen it."  
  
"What about a hug?" Zelgadis shrieked, stretching out his arms.  
  
"Ew! No!" Val cried, scooting away.  
  
"Ooh!" the mazoku exclaimed. "I know! A kiss!"  
  
"AAAAAH!!!" Valgaav screamed, flying away. "Leave me alone!!!!"  
  
"Valterria-chan!" Filia yelled. "Don't forget your allergy medication!"  
  
"Nice going, banana breath." Zel scowled.  
  
"Likewise, Mr. Wear a business suit to the beach," Xel returned.  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Nova-chan: The end!  
  
Xelloss: What a sad ending.  
  
Zelgadis: What do you mean??  
  
Xelloss: I didn't get to kiss him.  
  
Gourry: And I didn't get to eat the other basket!  
  
Nova-chan: Well, it was getting kinda repetitive, so I get tired of it.  
  
Zelgadis: I thank you.  
  
Nova-chan: I welcome you!  
  
Zelgadis: .. 0.o  
  
Nova-chan: I have an idea for my next ficcie, so I won't need any help from the audience, but thanx anyway! And remember: pi=3.14c  
  
Zelgadis: And yaois are creepy.  
  
Xelloss: And Val-chan is mean!  
  
Gourry: And ich liebe diche means I love you in German! 


	2. Chappie 2

Nova-chan: Oopsie! NoV forgot the part where Zel-kun gets hurt real bad!  
  
Zelgadis: Um..so?  
  
Nova-chan: Gomen! (drops a piano on Zel's head)  
  
Zelgadis: Itai.. 


End file.
